Have you checked out?

I’m not sure it would really be a surprise to people if I admitted that I struggle with trust.  I like to think I hide it pretty well with my personable nature, but if you really look close at my interactions with people and what I choose to share and how, it would be obvious that I have a pretty high wall.

This is something that I am 100% aware of and it has also been a long struggle for me.  My biggest goal over the last year has been to really work on being more open.  I have made strides in some places, others have been more difficult, but at the end of the day I am (as always) a work in progress and sometimes I am better at it than others.

So that brings me to the subject that I have really been mulling over for some time…. How to be vulnerable in a society that has checked out.

Technology has rapidly changed the way we communicate.  In some ways it has made it easier- there are so many options for staying connected: facetime, skype, facebook, Instagram, good old fashioned texting…the list goes on and on.  But within this new found web of connections lies another problem:  a lack of true human interaction.

Take dating for instance.  Where is a gal who doesn’t indulge in the bar scene and hooks ups supposed to meet someone?  This day in age, it’s the internet.  Long gone are the days of secrecy and the taboo of online dating- we are now in the age where it is totally normal to meet someone on Tinder, POF, Match… the sites are limitless.  You see a picture, sometimes you read the profile, and then you message the person.  Instant connection.  You chat and sometimes it leads to a phone number.  All seemingly easy.  I find that the real struggle comes in to play a bit later. 

I am not sure when it happened but somewhere over the last 5 years, the dating game has totally changed.  We live in this new age where you no longer ask someone on a date- you “hang out.”  You text instead of call, you don’t plan anything in advance, and if at some point you decide you don’t like someone….well gone are the days where you sit down and actually talk with them about your feelings.  You just phase them out. 

Ah yes, the phase out.  This is an actual term.  When you look it up on urbandictionary.com related words connected to it are: breakup, dump, ditch…. Essentially you just slowly stop talking to a person without really ever addressing an issue.  This happens A LOT in the dating world these days and often because you were never really dating, simply “hanging out” you are left totally stumped over what the issue was.  There is zero closure and we are left wondering what, if anything we did wrong.  Is there something that we need to address as an individual?  Well, you might not ever know because people don’t want confrontation so we are left totally in the dark about whether there is something that was genuinely done wrong, or if that person is just a total punk.

I think this has truthfully been my biggest issue.  It is really difficult with wanting to open up to someone when there is no real understanding of where you stand because no one wants to label anything.  So we call it hanging out.  That way if we decide we don’t like something about the person, its ok, we weren’t really tied down. 

Can I just say that this whole concept totally sucks?  You meet someone, you might have an instant connection.  Conversation flows freely, you talk every day, check in on each other.  You text first thing in the morning, and fall asleep to a “good night” message that gives you nice dreams.  You feel like this might actually go somewhere but there is just one problem- no one has actually made a commitment.  Why would I want to be vulnerable with someone who doesn’t make an effort to meet me, to ask me on a date, or at least be up front about what they are looking for?

I find this ALL the time.  A guy (or girl) is totally willing to invest their day talking to you over text, but there is no true follow through.  We get this false sense of entitlement with a person when truthfully they have put zero effort in to you.

Then, just like that, they disappear.  Maybe it was for a good reason, but what I have seen with friends and myself more than once is really just that we are so connected and overloaded with images and possibilities that the term “the grass is always greener” has turned into a very real thing.  We have too many options at our finger tips and the very big problem that our generation lacks the ability to commit to ANYTHING or ANYONE. 

I think that we have lost the understanding of what commitment really means.  We have this version of perfection and it’s only driven harder because we are living in this age of technology that makes us look like our lives are amazing when you look at pictures, or read a few sentences about a person.  The reality is, that no matter how wonderful someone is, they aren’t perfect but instead of weighing the scales, deciding if this is something we can live with or if we need to adjust our own opinions, we move on to the next profile.  We aren’t perfect.  Life is messy and people are complicated. Relationships are complicated and now we live in a society where our solution is to just swipe left.

I’ll be honest, this is not the type of behavior that I am looking for when I think about my relationships.  Do you really want to be with someone who sees so little value in you?  Someone who sees a problem but their solution is to just not address it and walk away?

I don’t.  I place high value in being able to be honest with people and being able to work through the hard times.  Those hard times are what make us better and stronger people, both as individuals and in relationships.   No one wants to put in the work and someone ends up getting hurt because of how we chose to handle things these days.

I have actually had conversations where someone randomly at the end of the night sent me a “good night, sweet dreams, I’ll talk to tomorrow” text only to have them NEVER respond again.  Who does that?

Answer:  our generation.

If this is what dating and relationships look like now then count me out.  I have been blessed with friendships that are solid.  They took the time to really get to know me, and in spite of my imperfections they loved me.  They saw something in me worth sticking around for and were patient when I was slow to open up.  You don’t find that much anymore. 

I think this last year has been an eye opener for me.  I have learned a lot about how to stay true to myself and what I want in a society that no longer values vulnerability but sees it as weakness.  You should never be scared to show who you really are to people simply because there is a chance they might not like it.  I know what my strengths are, I am also VERY aware of my weaknesses.  I am beautiful because I am made up of both. 

I might not always be the best at showing my softer side but I know that I don’t want to be someone who chooses the easy road. That includes my relationships.  Just like I want to be given the chance to really be seen, I sincerely hope that I am a woman that sees past the layers to who someone truly is and rises to challenges. 

   

It doesn’t ever really get easier but hopefully I have gained a little more wisdom throughout this journey.