Will you rise to the occasion?

Do not fall in love darling, rise in love.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.  Over the last year in particular I can feel a very significant shift in my views of relationships and what that word means to me.  I didn’t necessarily have an unhealthy view before, but I also feel like over the years I have done a lot of settling.  Why?  Pretty simple-I like to see the best in people, always have.  What I have learned though, is that it is OK to be a little selfish in a relationship.  That word has such a negative connotation behind it, but to be in a truly healthy relationship you have to be getting what YOU need just as much as giving what the other person needs as well.

I don’t necessarily think that there is a bad way to love someone, not if love is truly the word that can be used in that situation.  I do however think that there is a BEST way to love someone.   I am really big on the five love languages when it comes to this perspective.  I’ve written about them before, and I know what I personally need to feel fulfilled, adored, appreciated… well you get what I am saying.  I also try to give what others need instead of loving the way I want to be loved. 

So when can love be considered unhealthy?  I read a pretty good article recently in psychology today on the differences between love and toxic love.  I’m not going to post the whole article, you can read it here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pathological-relationships/201202/healthy-love-what-in-the-world-is but a few key points that spoke to me were:

-        -   Love—Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love—Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness).
-         -  Love—Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. Toxic love—Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
-         -   Love—Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love—Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
-          -  Love—embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love—trying to change other to own image.

All of these are great things to keep in mind.  These are specific things that I personally have really tried to pay attention to in my own life.  I think this can be applied to more than just romantic love though.  Every type of relationship you have should mirror this. 

It has become pretty simple to me as I have gotten older.  If the people in your life do not hold you accountable, if they do not tell you the hard things, if they do not help you recognize your dreams and passions and push you to be a better person every single day then they are not the people for you.

The way I see it is this- if I would not allow friendships that don’t make me a better person why in the world would I date someone and potentially marry and have children with someone who did not do the same?  This is a lesson that I learned the hard way a few years back.  My heart got ripped to shreds in the process and it took a really long time to get to a place where I was ready to open up to someone again.  What I took away from the situation was this:  while he was wrong, 100% no questions asked, I also needed to take some blame.  I knew that he was not pushing me or challenging me and had I really opened my eyes I would have seen a whole lot of other red flags as well.

How you value yourself and the work you do in your own life is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a reflection of how you will behave in relationships and treat other people.

I’ve experienced the lazy love.  The surface love.  The “I think this is love but its truthfully just lust” kind of love.  Now what I desire and require is much deeper.  I have dreams and goals and strengths I want to keep building in my own life.  Anyone who wants to be part of that needs to want the same thing.

I truly believe that the kind of love God intended for us, the one that he has prepared for me specifically will be this kind.  Because I understand this, there is no reason for me to settle for anything less than this.  Surface things fade.  Peoples interests change.  Goals change.  The one constant thing you should look for in relationships (of any kind) is character. How do they choose to live life?  With passion, conviction, with standards?  Do they live through blood, sweat, and tears to do the right thing and try to be the best person they can be?  Are they kind?  Are they considerate? 

And most importantly, do they make YOU want to be a better person?

These are the things I wait for.  If in the process it means I have only a few friends and zero romantic interests?  Well, my life hasn’t stopped in the process, I have plenty of my own passions to live out. 

I will never feel the need to settle and neither should you.

Will it be hard? Yes.  Will there be times even in the best of relationships that you want to strangle the other person? Hell yes.  Will you survive?  Absolutely.  Why? Because you waited for the right kind of love.


So how will I know when the time is right?  When I can say I have risen to love and not fallen.

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