Learning to let go

“A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a woman of strength knows it is in the journey where she will become strong.”

As the year is coming to a close and I am winding down from a lot of emotions over the last few months, I can’t help but take stock of everything that has happened this year.  The conclusion? God has a very funny way of working things out.

I stopped asking for specific things in my life a while ago because…well…. life just doesn’t work like that.  Instead, 2015 was a year where I stepped back and just said “Ok. Teach me something.”

Maybe there is a fine line between asking for something too specific and not being specific enough because OH MY GOODNESS did things get crazy fast.  I got my wish though and to say I learned a few things would be an understatement.

I can’t say that I was really lacking direction or confidence before because let’s face it, I’ve always been pretty self-assured, but I can safely say this year taught me even more about myself and what I have to offer.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was created for purpose.  It was promised to me before I was even born and as I get older, I understand my own personality better and the more I see how much smarter He really is than us and that there was a reason for every single little detail of me.

He made me stubborn (or as my mother has lovingly described me…. “sassy and full of piss and vinegar”). He made me silly.  He made me full of fire and passion.  He made me emotional.  He made me a woman of action. He made me fiercely loyal. He made me mama bear.

This was the year that all of those qualities became what really defined me.

Some folks have probably cringed this year as I grew and really embraced the sassy and stubbornness on a whole new level. I know it is not my most endearing of qualities but let me just tell you something…. it is these very traits that have been what provided me with a firm foundation through some of the toughest months of my life.  My nickname has been mama bear for as long as I can remember and when that is what people see you as, it usually means you are going to be the person everyone comes to when times are tough. 

I think one of the biggest lessons I learned this year is that while yes, being that person to so many is sometimes tough, I was created for it and I think everyone else recognized this about me before I did.  That sassiness and fire... that pure stubbornness is what makes me tough and unwilling to budge in the face of problems.  I am firm.  My foundation is solid.  And in the wake of a crisis, I am going to get things done and I am someone that people are not afraid to lean on.

I think the coolest thing about this whole year was just really seeing a glimpse of how truly omniscient He really is.  I knew it, I believed it, but having it really spoken in your life is so very different.

He knew I what I would need to do and the tools I would need for it before I did.  He gave them to me when he created me.  And he nudged me in ways to help prepare me this year.  A lot of it I am just now starting to really grasp.

Anyone who knows me knows what I have been dealing with for the last two years.  I sulked, I ignored, I got angry over all of it, and then suddenly this year it was just a sense of urgency that I needed to stop all of that nonsense and buck up and finally address the CFS and what I needed to do in order to feel better. 

Honestly, for the last 6 months I thought I was doing this for me, because I was finally in the place where I COULD finally start working on it.  Now as I look back on everything I know that God was trying to prepare me for bigger things that were coming up. 

I don’t talk about it much, because it isn’t my story to tell, but my sister was diagnosed with MS in February.  It was a scary time, but she quickly got on a medication that slowed down a lot of symptoms so I kind of just put it in the back of my mind.  I knew it was there, I knew we would have to deal with it at some point, but I didn’t want to face the possibilities of what MS meant for her and for my family.  So for (almost) 9 months, she was OK.  Then all of a sudden, she wasn’t and I spent a few very scary weeks in and out of the hospital and ERs with a very sick Mo. 

Add in still grieving the loss of my uncle, the Thanksgiving holiday and remembering Dad, and the fact that I have been working non stop while trying to get ready for a new accounting system overhaul…. I should have crashed and I should have crashed hard.

I didn’t though.  Why?  Because of that nudge I had felt a few months before to start working on me.  I couldn’t explain at the time why I felt that was the moment I needed to do better, I just knew I had an overwhelming desire to start something.

Finally, as things are calming down, and I am able to actually think through the last 6 months, I realize that He was in control the whole time.

Ahh. Control.  That word that I struggle so much with.

I think that a huge part of this year was learning to just let go.  Learning to let go of control.  Learning to be vulnerable.  Of trying to do everything on my own.  Letting go of life as I want it and trying harder for the life that He has for me and my loved ones.

If I have taken away anything in the last two months, it is that He knows better than I do.  I’m learning to take each day at a time and that I am not perfect and that is OK.  What matters is my desire to do my best, and that I put my best foot forward, and that I let my strengths and my passions guide me.  And that I always be willing to learn something through the journey.

He made me this way for a reason and the time has come to stop fighting for perfection and start living a life of intent.  I think when you are doing this…. Everything else falls into place.

So while 2015 was a huge struggle, I also feel more settled than I have ever felt in my entire life.  I feel at peace and stronger than I have ever felt before. 

 

This was the year that I found out what I was made of and what my gifts were given to me for.

 

So with entering this new phase and this new year I feel more confident than I ever had.  2016 better be ready because Im coming and we all know I won't do it quietly.  Be ready.