Being an adult is tricky...



I have always felt that I was a kind person. I try to be compassionate and I try to be helpful.  I genuinely want what is best for others and I love people.  What I have learned recently though is that in spite of all of my good qualities, I am still nowhere near perfect.

 I know.  It shocked me too.


As a matter of fact, I am by nature a selfish human being.
That last one was a really hard pill to swallow, but in all honesty it’s the truth.  As much as I care, I still have my selfish moments.  It seems like lately I have been learning a lot about what it means to be an adult.  I have also been learning a lot about what it means to be in adult relationships.  And I have concluded that I am not great at it.
I think that being independent and strong willed are some of my best qualities.  I can take care of myself, I know how to survive in this harsh world, and I know how to set goals and accomplish them. What I didn’t realize though, is that in the process of taking care of myself for so long, I had created some very bad habits.  Bad habits, that as I am getting older and seeking out more intimate relationships, are now things that I need to address.
Why?  Because at some point it won’t only be just about me and I think that getting older has finally given me some clarity on what I want and in the process shown me that I have some very frustrating quirks that it might be time to work on.
So what have I learned about communication over the last month?
  • Everyone needs to feel important, like a priority, and secure in their relationships.  And more importantly (for me at least), it’s OK to need someone and admit it. Dare I say that it's actually NATURAL to feel this way (I know, crazy concept for me too).  If you communicate that you need them, you’re going to get the security you are looking for AND you are probably going to give them something they need in the process as well.
  • Keep in mind that people are not mind readers- if you need something, TELL THEM. Otherwise you get whatever that person feels is best and you only have yourself to blame if that doesn’t happen to be what you were looking for in that moment.
  • Sometimes, you are going to have misunderstandings.  It happens, we’re human, and it’s not the end of the world.  Learn from your mistakes and do better.
  • While it would be nice if everyone was open about their thoughts and feelings, it doesn’t work that way.  Yes, others need to communicate what they need, but it doesn’t hurt to also ASK.  If you aren’t sure you’re on the right track, just seek clarification. You are going to avoid a lot of frustration if you open up dialogue.
  • It’s not always about you.  Sometimes it’s not always about the other person either.  A lot of times, it's about building together as a team.  For me, that means being open, being honest, and allowing someone else to help.  I don't even mean allowing them to help solely when you really need it. Sometimes it means allowing someone in, even if you CAN do it your damn self.
I get a lot of satisfaction and peace out of being there for my loved ones, but because I am a selfish human being by nature, it never once struck me until recently that by not letting others in, I am denying them the same connections and happiness.  And let me tell you, that hit me hard.
There is a saying that my family likes to tease me about and they call it my anthem.  It says “I’m totally flexible as long as everything is exactly the way I want it.”   It’s meant to be funny because I am not good with change or letting go of control but honestly, this is not my most endearing quality, by a long shot.
In this next year, I think my theme is going to continue to be vulnerability.  Last year was just kind of skimming the surface, helping me get more comfortable with the idea of letting go, but it is high time I stop testing the waters and just jump in.
I want to be more open, I want to be more trusting, I want to be a team player, and most importantly I want my loved ones to feel safe and secure with me.  How do I do that?  By learning to communicate better.  And more importantly, communicate not so that others understand how I feel, but communicate to make OTHERS feel better.  

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