What does it take...

A few months ago, I wrote about why you need the intimidating (or as I like to call them…STRONG) women in your life.  It was just a personal observation about what people DON’T take into consideration when dealing with women who are just bad ass boss ladies but recently a friend and I were talking about it, life, and dating in general and they asked me what exactly a strong woman looked for in a potential partner and how it possibly looked different from how other women and personalities need to receive love.

Huh.  GREAT question. 

I think that people confuse the word strong with cold.  On more than one occasion I have been called a bitch because I am direct and I don’t accept excuses when they are poor ones.  I think people see driven, single women very one dimension-ally.  As in, we all have one goal in life- success, and we only see one way of achieving it and our needs are based around that. 

That love and success for women do not mix.

I am not sure how we came to this conclusion, other than as women continued to evolve, society failed to keep up and really acknowledge there might be more depth behind our desires.  Even driven women measure success differently but it really feels like we were all grouped into one category and set to the side.  I cannot tell you how many times people have been surprised to learn that I want a family, I want love, and I’m not looking for a house husband to take care of the kids while I pave the way in the job force.  Once again, one dimensional thinking instead of seeing me as the unique person I was created as:  strong, bossy, opinionated (let’s just get those out of the way huh?)… I am also kind, giving, loving, silly, emotional (seriously I can tear up at just about anything), and sensitive. 

So as I thought about this question of how strong women might need to receive love, obviously I cannot speak for everyone but maybe I can shed a little light on how it’s possibly different and what it might look like (or maybe the same, once again, I am talking personally about my own desires here):

I think the biggest thing that stuck out to me was wanting a teammate.  It’s not about needing someone but about setting standards for yourself and what you’ll accept and sticking to your guns about the people you welcome into your life.  Big goals and big dreams require commitment and not everyone is going to make the cut.  Surrounding yourself with someone who supports your commitments is a big deal.

We also want to support YOU as much as you support us.  It takes the right kind of man to recognize that there is a difference between being on a team and being in a relationship (there shouldn’t be a difference in my opinion, but then again maybe that is what makes me a different type of woman).  A teammate wants to be involved, to help push you, to hold you accountable, and be there to high five you through the whole process.  We want to know what is going on so we can help, not just sit on the side lines while you take care of everything.  It’s not that we don’t think you CAN but we want to be involved in the process.

 

So I guess in a really long and drawn out way that brings me to the point where I talk about the qualities that a man might need to possess in order to be in this type of relationship.  Or at least my own personal preferences.

He is secure in himself

There is a difference between showing love and constantly validating someone.  I want people to feel appreciated and I am affectionate by nature but you will never see me constantly reminding someone of how much I need them in my life.  Because I don’t.

If you are a man who needs to be needed, then a strong woman is not for you.  I will want you in my life, and you will feel loved and valued in ways you might not have experienced before but the expectations are different and you need to be secure in yourself and what you bring to the table in order to handle a relationship with me.

He has a great sense of humor

I think that I get a bad rap as being hard when truthfully all that most people see is my shell and all of the pressures I face.  I am still human and my god to say I don’t have emotions would be a gross misjudgment.  I have LOTS of emotions.  I just don’t trust them with many people.  I LOVE a man who can make me laugh.  Having someone who can gauge when I need a shoulder to lean on and when I need someone to help me see the humor in life is a necessity. 

I think balance is a big part of relationships in general but maybe more-so when you are looking for a dynamic like this because you want someone you can flourish with as a couple as well as individuals. Sometimes it’s tricky.  I have been with men who felt they were sacrificing part of their masculinity by allowing a woman to be independent.  And I think it is very easy as an opinionated woman to come across as being overbearing.

Humor helps bring both people down to a neutral place.  We all need to be able to laugh and act goofy and show our softer sides.

He is goal driven and ambitious

Now, this again is a personal preference and maybe I am taking on way to much by saying I want a man who is as ambitious as I am but I just cannot help myself.  It’s my kryptonite.  To see someone with big passions, big dreams, and the drive to make it happen? WHERE DO I SIGN UP????

Here is how I see it:  I might not always know exactly what I want to do but when I get an idea in my head I go full steam ahead.  There is no luke-warm with me.  It’s either 200% or nothing.  I want a teammate and you can’t have one team member who is only “meh” while the other is all “OHMYGOD THIS IS A GREAT IDEA!”  It just doesn’t work that way.  My opinion is generally that the harder the task, the bigger the pay off and often that means surrounding yourself with people who believe the same thing.  Who has ever been put on a group project only to get started and realize that you are putting in way more effort than someone else?  If it’s bad for tension in a group setting, it is absolutely NOT healthy for a relationship. 

A man with big dreams of his own will understand where my own passions come from and the possibility that we will both reach those big goals and probably even more is very likely.  It’s just that simple.

He will listen, lead, AND follow

Listen, the biggest misinterpretation that I run in to is that I want someone who is passive.  Some women like that but personally speaking, I like a man who knows when to step up his game a bit.  You’re going to need to like a challenge but it doesn’t mean I don’t know how to take a back seat at times.  On the flip side of that though, communication is super important to me.  I have opinions and good ideas and sometimes I know what you need better than you do.  Nothing is sexier to me than a man who asks me for my opinion and actually values it.  I want to be supportive just as much as you do, but you have to give me the chance.

At the end of the day, those are the beginnings of what I personally need to feel supported and loved and like I have kept my own identity in a relationship.  This is just kind of skimming the surface but I thought it was such an interesting question that I took a lot of time to really think about what that might look like.  At the end of the day everyone is different and love languages and personalities also play a big part in the full picture but personally speaking- I want to be inspired, pushed, and made better.  Considering I have what some might call a strong personality, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that having a passive team mate isn’t going to make the cut.  When I make up my mind, I am all in, so I expect nothing less from the man I choose to let in to my life as well. 

You either make the cut or you don’t.

“The funny thing about a strong woman is she doesn't need you, she wants you. And if you start slacking she'll be content without you.”