Because you love me

As anyone familiar with my blog knows, most of my posts center around thoughts and concepts and less about daily life or personal struggles.  There wasn’t really a specific reason for this other than I wanted this blog to be a positive place to talk about struggles of being a woman in this world, things that have helped me personally, and to hopefully encourage someone along the way.  

Lately though, I’ve been struggling with a lot of things and struggling even more with whether to share about it.  BUT I made a commitment last year to start being more open and vulnerable and in an effort to continue growing I thought maybe it was time to start sharing more than just the triumphs and things I already learned but possibly the full journey as I am actually on it.

So… deep breaths…. here we go.

I am having a tough time.

I have BEEN having a tough time for about three months.  

As I sit here trying to figure out how to pour my heart out I am kind of at a loss for where to start or what to share.  Death, emergencies, family illness, a growing workload and responsibility, loss of friendships (even if it was a personal decision on my part), and a long list of personal accomplishments that I desperately want to achieve and I am having a hard time balancing… the list just keeps growing.

I have cried a lot. There is so much going on.

Yet, honestly as I am trying to consolidate 3 months worth of emotions and chaos into one blog, I can't help but have a really strong sense of gratefulness.

I have not been very lovable or any where near the best version of me lately.  I know I haven’t.  I haven’t had as much to give, I am truthfully working on fumes and have been for some time. In spite of all of that I have been really really blessed to have a support group that has understood and loved me in spite of the fact that I have been an emotional train wreck.  I just cannot put into words how grateful I am for people who just get me.  

Not everyone has hung around or understood.  The ones who have stood by me have been amazing.  

I spent hours in the hospital with Mo while we absorbed the news that her MS had possibly spread to more locations and caused more damage.  Through the weeks of hospital visits, friends kept in touch, came up to see her, and made sure I got out and took time for myself.  

Then just as Mo was finally out of the woods, Granny got sick.  She almost died.  It was one of the scariest and hardest weeks of my life. Seeing the woman who has lived with you since you were 10 and has been a daily part of your life since you were born struggle and have to face the fact that she will not be here forever was a blow I was not ready for.... Add in that it was the week of Christmas and I pretty much lost it.

In spite of the craziness of the holidays, I had an outpouring of love from people from every walk of life.  Childhood friends came up and surprised us, my own personal “sisters from other misters” brought food, Christmas decorations, and their kids to make sure we had lots of smiles through the week.  When things got really bad, they met me downstairs and just let me cry until I couldn’t cry any more and even in the weeks that have passed since then as we go back and forth between the nursing home, working with Granny and her speech, going BACK to the ER because she got sick again, people have been there every step of the way to make sure I had the support I needed while I in turn try to support my family.  

Near and far, over seas, out of state, down the road….it has been huge amount of people who have just showed up and loved me.  I don't know if I can come up with a better definition of friendship than that.  

I am not good at asking for help and I have had absolutely no idea what I might need lately.  To say I have been all over the place would be an understatement.  Yet to have a group of people who see my struggles and have just planted themselves has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life.

I haven’t been able to be the support for others that I want to be, yet you all have loved me even on my bad days, my sad days, my “I just need to cry and get a few hug” days.

I do not have enough words to express my appreciation for those who have stepped up during all of this.  

It doesn’t fix the problem but knowing that I have not had to do any of this alone means more than the sadness I have felt lately of how life has been going.

Things are tough and I haven't felt like I have been tougher than the problems which is a first for me.  But I have had something better than my own strength lately and that is the strength of a group of people who love me.

Gratitude is what I feel while I type this.

Even when things are hard, life is good.  I can say that largely in part because of the people who have loved me through it all.

That’s when I realized what a true friend was.  Someone who would always love you- the imperfect you, the confused you, the wrong you- because that is what people are supposed to do.