Wherever you are, be all there

“Don't tell me what I want to hear, tell me the truth. It may hurt, but it definitely won't hurt more than the feeling that I was told something out of pity, not out of honesty. If you mean it say it. If you don't, keep your words until the right person is standing in front of you. If words are said too many times, they become cheap, and I only deserve to hear what is valuable.”

I feel so out of place in my generation sometimes. Maybe it's because I grew up with my grandmother and her values, maybe I'm just an old soul. Either way, I just do not understand how we could make so many advances in communication only to have a generation that's lacks candor. What happened to the value of a word? Of the honor and integrity behind our words?

My dad wasn't the best at vocalizing his feelings but man could he write a good letter when he wanted to get a point across. I'm sure that's where I get my love of writing from. You knew without a shadow of a doubt that what he was expressing was true. How? Because he understood the importance of being honest, and of backing it up with his actions. He was one of the most honest men I ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was loyal, called it like he saw it, and if it was important to him he made sure you knew it.

This isn't to say he didn't have his faults, he had many, but I grew up in a household that valued honesty even if it meant you said the tough thing and you followed through. Always. You don't find that anymore and I have to be honest, it's so incredibly hard living in this world and not becoming jaded by what others say or don't say. Or say and then don’t do.

Words are so powerful, so why do we throw them around without a care in the world? Words also have expectations and what I've learned is that not everyone gets that. If I say I care, I am making the decision to back it up.  Unfortunately this isn’t something you can depend on in other people.

All I want is to be able to leave this world one day knowing that people will remember me as someone who spoke up and could always be trusted.  I also want to be a woman who loves people and makes them feel important and valued.  I'm finding the older I get the harder it is to be this free spirit without allowing what others did or didn’t do in return dictate how freely I love everyone around me.

It is SO hard.  After all, “to love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken” and mine has been broken a few times.  I think with everything going on over the last few months, it has been a lot harder not to take it personally.  To not question my value.

My biggest prayer over the last few years has been that God continue to bless me with meaningful relationships.  People who see me, all of me, and love all parts.  I’ve also prayed that he take away anything that wasn’t in my best interest.  The problem with that?  We don’t always agree about what is best for me.

Man has this been a season of learning.  And loving.  And losing.  And again trying to learn and be grateful for every single person that comes into my life no matter how long or short lived their stay is.  

I was blessed with a big heart, it is my greatest gift and often my biggest downfall. And I cannot control others.  No doubt I will meet a few more people in my lifetime that make promises they can’t or don’t intend to keep.  What I can control is my own behavior.

I sincerely hope that the reputation I keep is always one of kindness and compassion.  That people will never doubt the intentions behind my words and that my loved ones always know they can count on me.  After all, it has to start somewhere, right?  I may not make a huge impact and change my generation's behavior but at least I can go to sleep knowing that every day I tried my best, loved as hard as I could, and always supported the people around me.  

“ You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.”