It Didn't Go As Planned




I have been scratching my head over how to write about my year for well over a month.  What did I learn? What did I accomplish?  What am I hoping as I go into 2017?

Honestly, most days through this year, I feel like the answer has been not much.  It was a hard year.  It was a really scary year.  It was a year that a lot of the time I just wanted to give up on and crawl back in to bed and pull the covers over my head.  The woman who generally just charged right in to battle without even thinking was replaced by a VERY emotional girl who just didn’t feel valued or loved at all.

God was really quiet through it all as well.  I never really felt like he was gone but I did feel like my little cheer leading section was silent and I was never really quite sure if I was doing things the right way, if I was on the right track, or even CLOSE to the track at all.

A lot of tears went into this year.  A lot of self-doubt.  A lot of time alone, mostly because I preferred that and also because I didn’t know what I needed or how to ask for help so I just didn’t.

So honestly when I look at the year as a whole I want to call it a complete bust.  I didn’t accomplish ANYTHING I set out to do and for someone who thrives on goals and competition that was a hard pill to swallow.  I had plans.  None of them worked out.  God was silent through all of it. My loved ones got sick. I got sick.  I floundered through a year of pain and illness and change and at no point was I graceful.

But you were all gracious and forgiving through my blunders.  Through my tears. Through every single moment that I tried to control everything and failed miserably. Through my throwing my hands in the air and just simply giving up ANY control and refusing to plan anything. I was loved through my entire year of total imperfection.

And when I think about 2016 from that perspective- my imperfect year, I see things very differently.

I see a woman who for the first time in her life just stopped trying to plan everything.  She tried new and scary things, and she kept with them even though she didn’t get to the exact place she had wanted to.  She took on each and every task that just seemed totally impossible and she tackled them one by one and made it through.  She stood up for herself and others even when she didn’t feel like she had a voice or any value.

I think the best image I can sum up for myself this year is a bull in a china shop.  I was a total mess and a few things got broken in the process but you know what?  I’m still here.  In one piece.  Maybe not the same person, I feel like I lived a lifetime in one year, but this new Stephanie could be the person I was meant to be in order to take on the next life event thrown at me.  And let’s face it, if there is one thing we can all count on, is that there will always be plot twists.

So I think this year can be summed up in one sentence:

It didn’t go as planned and that is ok.

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