I Made Her

 

I promised myself from pretty much day one that I was always going to be candid about this journey.  I never wanted anyone else to feel alone for whatever reason, but especially those fighting chronic illnesses.  Honestly, being open with you all in a lot of ways has allowed a significant amount of healing through the years for me and I have zero regrets although I am DAILY treated like less of a human because of what others perceive as my limitations.

If I am being honest though, lately it has been exhausting.  Being vulnerable is already hard enough.  Trying to be vulnerable when you know that most people are going to hear your story and run the other way is often heart breaking.  We all need human connection.  We were built to be part of a tribe.  We were built to love and to desire being loved in return.  There is nothing wrong with wanting those things or NEEDING them. 

Unfortunately, people can be so cruel when presented with something they don’t understand.  I might have a thick skin, but it doesn’t mean opinions don’t hurt me and yours made me cry hard last night.  So hard that I crashed around 9:30 because I had worn myself out from it. It’s so isolating living this life that I’ve been chosen to lead, the one I’ve had absolutely no say in.  I do my best to find the joy in my days, to celebrate others and their triumphs, to simply live because the world doesn’t stop just because I don’t feel great.  I am open about who I am- the good, bad, and ugly because I am me and I am not ashamed of my story, though I am also aware that I am unique, and I will not fit everyone’s idea of how they want their life to look. 

I think everyone can relate to that on some level- not just those in the chronic community.  I mean, who doesn’t want to be accepted just as they are? With that being said, just because I desire companionship and to be loved doesn’t mean I am going to water myself down to meet ANYONE’S standards.  I will not apologize for who I am, for how unique my life is.  I will not be made to feel as though I have failed as an adult or that I don’t have something wonderful to give this world simply because I don’t meet your standards of what a 36-year-old should have accomplished by now. And I certainly won’t be bullied into shrinking to fit your small-minded mold simply for the chance to be in your life.

Who do you think you are?  What makes your life so much more important than mine?  That money you make, the things you have, the trips you take… is that what you feel makes you worthy?  Let me tell you, those things, you can’t take them with you when you die.  Those things don’t allow you to leave a legacy that you can look back on and be proud of.  Those things you think you need and the hurt you are OK in dispensing to make others bend to your expectations don’t make a difference if at the end of the day you are alone because of them.

Maybe I am simple.  Maybe I’m not as smart as I think I am, hell, maybe I am not even as great as I think I am.  Maybe I’ll leave this world one day and not have made much of a dent.  It’s very possible, not everyone is meant to make history in a big way.  What I can tell you though is that those simple things about me- my love for animals, my goofiness and the silly things that make me smile, my sensitivity, my love for people and being kind even on days that no one would blame me for being a bit cruel- all of those things and more are what will allow me to die one day knowing that I led a FULL life.  I might not make a huge impact in this world, but I’ll have lived, and laughed, and loved even when people didn’t always deserve that love.  I’ll die knowing I was nothing less than myself, maybe also not having a penny to my name but I don’t give two shits about that. 

My legacy is that I woke up every day and found joy.  I’m sorry that doesn’t fit what you are looking for but that isn’t my problem.  Your inability to see me isn’t my problem, it’s yours.

Yesterday I cried.  I felt small and unimportant.  I was made to feel like I wasn’t doing enough and doing too much all at the same time.  I was made to feel that who I am at my core was lacking.  It hurt.

Today, I am reminded that I am exactly the woman I was created to be.  I am loud. Opinionated. Stubborn.  I am quirky.  I am smart.  I am kind. I love hard and give that love freely.  I am me.

As a teen, my youth pastor’s wife gave me a poem that has stuck with me through the decades and as I wipe my tears and I remember who the fuck I am, her words resonate in the back of my mind:

 

I Made Her

I made her... she is different. She's unique.
With love I formed her in her mother's womb.
I fashioned her with great joy.
I remember with great pleasure the day I created her.
(Ps. 139:13-16)

I love her smile, I love her ways.
I love to hear her laugh, and the silly things she says and does. She brings me great pleasure.
This is how I made her
(Ps. 139:17)

I made her pretty and not beautiful, because I knew her heart, and I knew she would be vain...
I wanted her to search her heart and know that it would be me in her that would draw friends to her
(1 Peter 3:3-5).

I made her in such a way that she would need me.
I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be... only because I need her to lean and depend on me.
I know her heart, I know that if I had not made her this way she would go on her own chosen way she would forget about me...her Creator
(Ps. 62:5-8).

I have given her many good and happy things...because I love her.
Because I love her, I have seen her broken heart and the tears she cried alone. I have cried with her and had a broken heart too.
(Ps. 56:8)

Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone only because she would not hold my hand.
So many lessons she's learned the hard way because she would not listen to my voice
(Isaiah 62:2)

And now she is mine again... I made her, and then I bought her, because I love her
(Romans 5:8)

I have to reshape and remold her.
To renew her to what I had planned for her to be.
It has not been easy for her or for me
(Jeremiah 29:11).

I want her to be conformed to my image.
This high goal I have set for her because I love her
(2Corinthians 2:14)

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Curveballs

Image
This picture always bring me back to a lot of happy memories.   It was New Years Eve 2017 and I had managed to convince everyone I love to get out for a night of shenanigans and debauchery, and it was probably one of the best nights of my life.   We sang, we laughed, we brought in the New Year together as a tribe and it is a feeling I will never forget. I held on to that memory a lot that next year.   It happens to all of us eventually- we have a defining moment in time where we realize that life isn’t within our control.   Try as we might (some of us harder than others), eventually experience and hurt catch up to all of us. I thought I had experienced that already.   Truth be told I had when my dad passed away suddenly as a teen.   It was a defining moment in my young life, and I remember that feeling of desperation and deep ache to never feel that lost again.   So, I crafted a tidy little life for myself.   I worked hard, I saved, I invest...
Read more

The 2025 Budget Reconcilliation Bill and What It Means for over 13M Americans

  I’ve been in a weird headspace since the House passed the budget bill that will make massive cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, and snap. For those unaware, the proposal is for $200B in cuts to snap and $600B cuts in Medicaid that would also tie in Medicare within that budget as well.  As a matter of fact, that was the first thing I heard when I woke up Friday morning, and I cried for hours.  You see, both my sister and I are on disability for having multiple chronic illnesses and let me tell you right now for people who think that disability pays too much out- that’s absolute horseshit. The money that I make monthly barely covers all the medical expenses that I have as someone who is chronically ill and cannot handle traditional work (because contrary to popular belief, I’m still responsible for bills, including insurance even while on disability) and let me make it clear, the money I receive does not sustain me outside of what I pay monthly in medical costs and some food...
Read more

Know your worth

Just because someone desires you, does not mean that they value you. I posted this particular quote on facebook yesterday and the amount of shares and messages I received was surprising.  I shouldn't have been surprised though, this is a powerful statement and it hit home for me pretty hard which is why I posted it to begin with. This is such an important thing to remember.  We all want to be desired, to know that someone sees us and genuinely delights in being near us.  That is just human nature and it is OK to want this.  What we sometimes fail to see is that desire can be a selfish feeling, it doesn't necessarily mean that someone has your best interest at heart.  After all, it is about a need.  It is a want or a wish for something in our life.    Value is not.  Value is the regard in which something is held in importance.  It’s not about what someone wants for themselves but what they want for the people around them. ...
Read more